Toybox

Weightlessness. Such a clumsy word, It stumbles out of the mouth  and lands so gracelessly on the eardrum, undignified and ruffled. An ugly, inept word.

It makes sense then that such a word would describe the exact feeling that seems to resonate through my existance. It is the euphoria of my being and the bane of my body. The ideal to which i try to shape my reality, and itself the reality of my perception of the world. My weightless consciousness, Suspended and disconnected.

The disorders Fructose Malabsorption and Lactose intolerance causes improper absorption of tryptophan in the intestine, reduced levels of tryptophan in the blood^[11] and depression.<sup>[12

that's very interesting...</sup>

There are many things about my life that i am dissatisfied with.

• My job
• My mental state
• Lack of education
• Lack of motivation
• How i feel about them
• My messy room

There are many things that i want to buy

• Motorbike
• Motorbike Gear
• Air brush
• Cintiq
• Clarinet
• Trip to Japan
• House

There are many things that i want to do

• Become a better person
• Travel (japan, adelaide, melbourne, cairo)
• Get website up and running
• Create a comic
• Take a sewing class
• Quit my job
• Find inner peace 
• Figure out what i want to do
• Finish Garage

Just for Anon (who is probably conan) Things that i am satisfied with (but can still be improved upon):

• My weight
• My plans for the future
• My progress drawing wise
• My imagination/creativity
• Coffee

I have kind of had a few rather belated epiphanies lately. Like that i only get to live once, and living is such a special thing when you think about it, and nothing is worth being miserable for. The quest for a job that does not make you miserable is not selfish, asking for time off is not selfish, Living happily is not selfish. The fact that corporations can try to make you believe that you have to bend to their will is stupid, working is your perogative - and your job should be a balance of how you wish to live your life and what they need.

I would like very much to move out of Canberra.

I'm trying really hard not hate, or be hurt by Colleen. It's hard. I think that if i can stop feeling hurt then i wont hate. Because when i think about it i don't really hate her, i'm just angry that she's hurt me and if i can let it go, then maybe i can get rid of all these poisonous thoughts and feelings. In some ways it's a relief to know that there is now no chance of reconcilliation, or hope that Mikey is still my friend. Really i'm not even sure which betrayal/abandonement is worse. That Colleen could think that i would ever be desirous of stealing her boyfriend and excluding her from my life. Or that Mikey, even after talking to me and knowing all about our plans for the coffeeshop/comic store/gallery, and knowing that i honestly missed him as my best friend and confidant, also believes that i was trying to eliminate Coll from the picture. It's like saying i was trying to eliminate Conan from my life.
I did make some mistakes during our fight, like getting angry, telling her that she could not dictate who my friendships where with and trying to convince her that her feelings where illegitmate, because if i've learnt anything it's that feelings aren't rational. Alhough i still don't know how i would have consoled her or made her believe that i am not a "slut face", nor a boyfriend stealer and that i missed her too. How do you calm irrational fears without ending up belittling them or coming off like you don't care about how they feel?
In the end she just never tried to make it come good. Never emailed, never called, flat out refused to see me. We had not seen each other in two years.

I'd had this tiny seed of hope that after two years she would have realised that we would both have changed in that time. As much as i have carried around this little germ of low self esteem, of hurt that she could believe i was such an evil person and it has made me smaller and more afraid, she too must have carried around a seed of hatred, of hurt however irrational it may seem to me and it has damaged us both. I hope she can let it go, maybe we will never be friends again. But i refuse to be enemies because i mean no harm to her. I hope she can find peace, that her path will brong her joy, and that her child will bring her closer to Mikey. I hope that they will get married and live happily ever after. I hope that she will grow and bloom. I hope that one day she will come to realise i am not the enemy.

If anything i feel like the experience has hardened me. If i needed proof that this fight is not mine then i got it at James' farewell.  I was not the one who felt she had to leave because we couldn't be at the same place, saying goodbye to James'. But at least she came to this one. I did feel guilty that my presence meant her absence, just like i did at Conan's birthday and chose to leave early because it was not James' fault, and besides they had always been better friends.


I will be stronger, I will be calmer, I will not Hate.
I will be more talented, more beautiful, More then what i am.
I am contented with my aspirations.